Monday, July 15

Writing and Fears and Grieving

Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos

I wrote briefly (for 5 minutes) last week and now the words won't come. I don't know what to say. I don't know what not to say. I don't want to write about Julia, I don't want to NOT write about Julia.

I was so excited at  the beginning of the month when I started the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I was ready to write regularly again--I even had a mental plan and a handful of ideas--if only I had written them down.

And then my niece died unexpectedly ... and suddenly I didn't feel like writing. time was better spent with my family--my parents, my sisters, our families... remembering, crying, laughing, hugging, eating, remembering some more, crying some more, hugging some more.

But we couldn't stay there forever and so we--my husband, my kids and I, had to return home and pick up where we left off a week ago... but today I'm feeling a little numb--okay, a lot numb. I'm afraid to return to normal life. I'm afraid of my regular routine.

I'm afraid that one day I'm going to forget to think about her. And that a day will go by and I won't remember to pray for my sister and brother-in-law and nephew, to continually place them in God's protective care.

I'm afraid that I will forget to live each moment in full gratitude to God; that I will take my own kids for granted --or even worse, that I will get frustrated with them and irritated or begging for a break from them (which may or may not have already happened and brings a whole new layer of guilt and grief).

I'm numb and my head hurts and my heart aches and I don't want to feel anything and I want to feel everything and in my 36 years I've never had to really grieve before and so I don't even think I know how to grieve.

So today, I read my Bible, wasted time on facebook and twitter, watered my garden, managed to feed my kids twice (breakfast at 10:30, lunch at 2). I have washed two loads of laundry but folded nothing and I talked to my dad and a friend.  ... and I guess my day wasn't a total washout and I just have to do the next thing.

I am going to try to jump back into the UBC, but I'm giving myself grace if it doesn't happen. And I will write and I might mention Julia and I might not and I will take one day at a time.

Community Conversation: ... I just don't have any questions today, I just want to say thank you to you, my readers, for letting me share my life with you.


  1. Giant hugs and prayers your way, friend. I'm so, so sorry for your loss...

  2. Oh my heart just hurts for your family...I just can't even imagine...
    Love and hugs to you and yours, Julie.
    (and do what your heart needs to do....grieving is a gift.)

  3. Oh sweet friend... I am praying.

    Give yourself Grace... and room to breathe... and cry, when needed... and remember with joy... I remembered a post about dealing with grief that I read back in June... I bookmarked it thinking one day - I may need it! This day... or a day in the next few weeks or months... you may want it too. Honestly - it may be too soon for now... but can I encourage you to bookmark it as well... and maybe visit it in the future?

    Love & Hugs,

    1. thanks for sharing, friend! will definitely check it out

  4. Get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other. The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord. Psalm 37:23 For our good and His glory. Praying for all of you with a heavy heart. I love you.
    Aunt Jude

    1. Love you, too Aunt Judy! thanks for the verse!

  5. I'm so sorry my friend. You are in our prayers, and thoughts. Take time. Time to think,do nothing, and time to let God hod you close.((hugs))

  6. Just take it one day at a time. Know there are many steps and phases of grief. Let yourself go through them, knowing that many are praying for you and your whole family. ((Hugs)) Oh, and give yourself grace.

  7. I honestly can't imagine. I am so sorry. I would love hearing more, anything, about your niece if you want to share.
    virtual *hugs*

    1. thank you! she was a treasure and I'm sure I will talk about her in the days ahead!


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