Forever Sixteen

I've tried to write this week and the words just won't come... not that they aren't in my head, I just don't know how to get them down on paper. I have reading to do for class, I have laundry piles to be tamed, friends to connect with, and family to feed and care for... and my brain is just numb.

I haven't blogged in forever, so it seems weird to come back with this... but it's my present to Julia... and her mom.

Today is her birthday, today she would be seventeen... but instead, she's forever sixteen. That beautiful red haired sweetheart, taken too soon.

As far as I know I was only there for ONE birthday... her first! and that was way back when I was still mostly afraid of babies, so I probably didn't hold her much. Then I married and moved away and birthdays were celebrated from a distance. 

edited to add this treasure that my sister sent me... not from a birthday party, but a moment from years past... :)

And even though I make cards for a hobby/etsy shop, my family will attest to the fact that I am HORRIBLE at actually mailing birthday cards to the ones I love most. I managed to send my sister a card yesterday, it will be late, but by my standards it will be right on time. 

And now the birthday parties are over... no more sitting there watching the Kentucky Derby while eating birthday cake (I missed out on those, but I've heard about it more than once).

I still don't know why, it's still not fair. My kids still ask why and talk about how much they miss her. My girls dream about horses and playing the flute and being just like Julia and my heart aches because I don't know how much they will remember 10 years, 15 years from now. I want to keep her fresh in their memory. To remind them how much she loved Jesus, how much she loved kids and babies, how much she loved and gave and had a servant heart.

Today, I'm just keeping my eyes on Jesus and praying fervently for my sister and her family. And praying for all those that knew her better than I did and loved her just as much as I do!

My words are few, but they come from my heart. I miss her. I guess that's enough for today.

Writing and Fears and Grieving

I wrote briefly (for 5 minutes) last week and now the words won't come. I don't know what to say. I don't know what not to say. I don't want to write about Julia, I don't want to NOT write about Julia.

I was so excited at  the beginning of the month when I started the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I was ready to write regularly again--I even had a mental plan and a handful of ideas--if only I had written them down.

And then my niece died unexpectedly ... and suddenly I didn't feel like writing. time was better spent with my family--my parents, my sisters, our families... remembering, crying, laughing, hugging, eating, remembering some more, crying some more, hugging some more.

But we couldn't stay there forever and so we--my husband, my kids and I, had to return home and pick up where we left off a week ago... but today I'm feeling a little numb--okay, a lot numb. I'm afraid to return to normal life. I'm afraid of my regular routine.

I'm afraid that one day I'm going to forget to think about her. And that a day will go by and I won't remember to pray for my sister and brother-in-law and nephew, to continually place them in God's protective care.

I'm afraid that I will forget to live each moment in full gratitude to God; that I will take my own kids for granted --or even worse, that I will get frustrated with them and irritated or begging for a break from them (which may or may not have already happened and brings a whole new layer of guilt and grief).

I'm numb and my head hurts and my heart aches and I don't want to feel anything and I want to feel everything and in my 36 years I've never had to really grieve before and so I don't even think I know how to grieve.

So today, I read my Bible, wasted time on facebook and twitter, watered my garden, managed to feed my kids twice (breakfast at 10:30, lunch at 2). I have washed two loads of laundry but folded nothing and I talked to my dad and a friend.  ... and I guess my day wasn't a total washout and I just have to do the next thing.

I am going to try to jump back into the UBC, but I'm giving myself grace if it doesn't happen. And I will write and I might mention Julia and I might not and I will take one day at a time.

Community Conversation: ... I just don't have any questions today, I just want to say thank you to you, my readers, for letting me share my life with you.