Writing and Fears and Grieving

I wrote briefly (for 5 minutes) last week and now the words won't come. I don't know what to say. I don't know what not to say. I don't want to write about Julia, I don't want to NOT write about Julia.

I was so excited at  the beginning of the month when I started the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I was ready to write regularly again--I even had a mental plan and a handful of ideas--if only I had written them down.

And then my niece died unexpectedly ... and suddenly I didn't feel like writing. time was better spent with my family--my parents, my sisters, our families... remembering, crying, laughing, hugging, eating, remembering some more, crying some more, hugging some more.

But we couldn't stay there forever and so we--my husband, my kids and I, had to return home and pick up where we left off a week ago... but today I'm feeling a little numb--okay, a lot numb. I'm afraid to return to normal life. I'm afraid of my regular routine.

I'm afraid that one day I'm going to forget to think about her. And that a day will go by and I won't remember to pray for my sister and brother-in-law and nephew, to continually place them in God's protective care.

I'm afraid that I will forget to live each moment in full gratitude to God; that I will take my own kids for granted --or even worse, that I will get frustrated with them and irritated or begging for a break from them (which may or may not have already happened and brings a whole new layer of guilt and grief).

I'm numb and my head hurts and my heart aches and I don't want to feel anything and I want to feel everything and in my 36 years I've never had to really grieve before and so I don't even think I know how to grieve.

So today, I read my Bible, wasted time on facebook and twitter, watered my garden, managed to feed my kids twice (breakfast at 10:30, lunch at 2). I have washed two loads of laundry but folded nothing and I talked to my dad and a friend.  ... and I guess my day wasn't a total washout and I just have to do the next thing.

I am going to try to jump back into the UBC, but I'm giving myself grace if it doesn't happen. And I will write and I might mention Julia and I might not and I will take one day at a time.

Community Conversation: ... I just don't have any questions today, I just want to say thank you to you, my readers, for letting me share my life with you.

When your Radio is Broken

So the Five Minute Friday prompt last week was SONG... The possibilities are endless with song, so I'm sharing another little story on song... Hope you don't mind.

Can I start by saying how much I love music? It really is wonderful, and can be such a balm to my soul. And when my kids start going crazy or life gets out of control, it is amazing to me what a flip of the stereo switch can do for us all.

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Problem is, my van stereo system is broken, there is a loose wire somewhere (kinda like my head somedays, huh?) It's been hit and miss for a while. When the van started you would have lovely (or lively) music to soothe and distract from sibling rivalry, and then the van would hit a bump or something and suddenly it was quiet... for a few moments and then the kids would find something to argue about, and peace efforts were suspended.

I miss my stereo. Some kids music, some contemporary praise music, some Seeds Family Worship... even a little bit of Adventures in Odyssey goes a long way to getting us to our destination with siblings still loving each other and having mommy in her right mind. It also wards off the complaints of "I'm bored..." (that's a whole other problem... when did kids get so easily bored?)

Because of this, I am very likely to take my husband's car any chance I get these days. It's old and small and I feel like I'm driving on the floor after being up in my minivan, but it has music, so I'll take it!  If I only have one or two kids... or if I'm escaping by myself, I will fall into his rusting old Alero, ignore the clanks and clunks and crank that radio loud. Now, his tape deck (yes, tape deck) and CD player aren't an option anymore, but I can still get the radio.  When the kids are with me, it's usually KLove, or Family Life Network


 but (CONFESSION TIME), when I'm all by myself... it's the COUNTRY station!!!

Community Conversation: How do you entertain the kids in the car (every trip we take is at least 20 minutes)? and for the fun of it... Are you a country music fan? What song/artist do you love?

I'm sure there is a spiritual lesson to be found in this somewhere. When I figure it out, maybe I'll get another blog post out of it! :)

Five Minute Friday --Quiet

It's Friday... Yes, it may be almost 10pm but it's still Friday. The blog has been quiet all week and I so relate to Lisa-Jo's post about why the blog was quiet... go read her post! :)

It's also Five Minute Friday, and while I did have Five Minutes to write this morning, I finally have the time to sit down and type it into a neat little blog post. Today was one of those days where I even forgot to pee.

I did manage to finish my Place essay for my writing class, and I managed a book review presentation of a creative non-fiction book for my class. I fed my family, got milk at the grocery store, filled the van with gas, took care of my kids and a few other things thrown in. I want to be sleeping, but I also just want to get my 5 minutes up... so here it is, written right after breakfast this morning, just after my sweet husband took all my kids to school for the morning.

(This right here is just a sample of what my cute kids are capable of... part of the great photo shoot we had in the rain last month with the great Darker Shades of Brown)

My five minutes on Quiet:

I have a confession to make. Sometimes my kids are so loud and crazy (even the good loud and crazy), that I can't seem to think straight. They clamor and question all at the same time and suddenly I can't hear any of them.

Questions go unanswered, littlest one doesn't get the help she needs, one of them (or more) forgets something important and we arrive at our destination 5-10 minutes late and I've had to spend the 20 minute ride into town apologizing for my outburst with one or more of the kids.

I have a secret ... sometimes I send all the kids to the van 5 minutes before it's time to go. This gives me a chance to collect my thoughts, to make sure I have everything I need for the five errands in town we are going to make that day. It also give my kids a chance to remember that one more thing they needed for their activity...

and then there is peace in my van and in my heart.


Did you write 5 minutes today? Be sure to link up with Five Minute Friday and Lisa-Jo!

Facing Fears

Fears, they are all around us, they control us, they can grip us, they can send us in a downward spiral. but it's not supposed to be that way. God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love and of a sound mind. I have a few fears... I'm working on them, but for a little bit of fun (and some seriousness) here's some fears I'm facing next month.


Exactly 4 weeks from today, I will be doing something TOTALLY new to me. And that means it is totally unknown. And I'm not a fan of the unknown... but I am super excited about this opportunity! I am attending Allume, going to a conference on blogging and writing. Going to a place I have never been before. Being surrounded by hundreds of women (and a few men) I have never met. Spending 3 days with them, attending sessions, workshops, meetups... and I am scared to death...


Afraid that no one will talk to me

Afraid that I won't have anyone to sit with (I know, totally Jr. High fears, but I still have them)

That I won't recognize people from their blog/twitter avatar ... or WORSE, that they won't recognize me.

That I won't be able to remember any body's real name.

I won't know what to say.

I'll pack too many clothes... or not enough

I'll spend too much money

I'll gain 10 lbs from Nutella, S'mores, Chocolate and a host of other great snack foods.

I'll covet someone else's clothes, shoes, jewelry, business cards, bags... etc.

I won't be able to process, or remember any thing I hear throughout the weekend (too much goodness in one place)

What if I don't get to meet everyone I want to... so many awesome twitter friends are gonna be there!

That I won't be able to actually do Five Minute Friday in 5 minutes... I like to think over the prompt for a while before I start typing! :)

That God will tell me to stop blogging, that there is more important stuff to be done.

That I'll miss my family too much ... or NOT AT ALL.

I won't be able to choose which workshops to attend.

And what about the WiFi at the hotel?!?! Is it any good? Is it reliable?  because I do not have a smartphone and my iPad will be my only means of connecting with all my twitter friends that I really want to meet!!

That I'll get sick and miss it all!

I'll get cranky from lack of sleep

That I will cry when it is all over...

Allume attendees, (newbie or veterans) What are YOUR fears?

and Do you have any advice for any of my fears?

Come back next Thursday to find out what my roommates should know about me...
and the next week for what I'm looking forward to most...

unintentional blogging break

Well, it has been over a week since I blogged... I even missed Five Minute Friday, which makes me sad!  Not exactly a way to build rapport as a blogger, or keep people coming back.  So I went back to last December to see if I could find a "repost from the archives" that all the other great bloggers use, and I discovered that I had blogged a total of FOUR times last December... apparently I have a habit of not-blogging in December.

So I was just going to take a blogging break until after Christmas... but there are so many great TopTenTues posts showing up on my twitter stream that I just felt the urge to attempt something...even if it's not great. Must keep my brain working...



 problem is, I'm coming up blank... must go google! :)  I was thinking the Top 10 posts of 2011... but most everyone waits until January for that post. or I could do Top 10 pictures of ...something, but I think I do that a lot and that would mean editing some pictures! :)  So here is what Google gave me that I think I can work with....

what I spend money on...

okay, just warning you now... this could be scary!!  in no particular order...

1. giving to my church

2. clothes ... mostly for my kids. Why do they keep growing??! :)

3. Food and Groceries (I do have 4 growing kids)

4. Coffee (did I mention I have kids?)

5. Arts and Crafts supplies... mostly for cardmaking, but also most recently for my kids and our Advent project.

6. paying bills... we kinda like having electricity and heat ... and Netflix!

7. gifts... mostly for Christmas right now, but kid's birthday parties are a big $ sucker

8. Karate lessons and Ballet lessons for the kids

9. Gas for our van/car... we live 20 minutes from town and with school, ballet, work, church, etc... we are in town every day!!

10.  ... and coffee

what do you spend your money on??!?!


PS: my new year's resolution (I'm planning ahead) is to JOIN PINTEREST... that should give me lots of great ideas for blogging and Top Ten Tuesday... even if all I am doing is sharing everybody else's great ideas... anybody wanna send me an invite?