Forever Sixteen

I've tried to write this week and the words just won't come... not that they aren't in my head, I just don't know how to get them down on paper. I have reading to do for class, I have laundry piles to be tamed, friends to connect with, and family to feed and care for... and my brain is just numb.

I haven't blogged in forever, so it seems weird to come back with this... but it's my present to Julia... and her mom.

Today is her birthday, today she would be seventeen... but instead, she's forever sixteen. That beautiful red haired sweetheart, taken too soon.

As far as I know I was only there for ONE birthday... her first! and that was way back when I was still mostly afraid of babies, so I probably didn't hold her much. Then I married and moved away and birthdays were celebrated from a distance. 

edited to add this treasure that my sister sent me... not from a birthday party, but a moment from years past... :)

And even though I make cards for a hobby/etsy shop, my family will attest to the fact that I am HORRIBLE at actually mailing birthday cards to the ones I love most. I managed to send my sister a card yesterday, it will be late, but by my standards it will be right on time. 

And now the birthday parties are over... no more sitting there watching the Kentucky Derby while eating birthday cake (I missed out on those, but I've heard about it more than once).

I still don't know why, it's still not fair. My kids still ask why and talk about how much they miss her. My girls dream about horses and playing the flute and being just like Julia and my heart aches because I don't know how much they will remember 10 years, 15 years from now. I want to keep her fresh in their memory. To remind them how much she loved Jesus, how much she loved kids and babies, how much she loved and gave and had a servant heart.

Today, I'm just keeping my eyes on Jesus and praying fervently for my sister and her family. And praying for all those that knew her better than I did and loved her just as much as I do!

My words are few, but they come from my heart. I miss her. I guess that's enough for today.

#31Days of Dove Promises-Seven

Disclaimer: this day of Dove Promises is a little heavier and a whole lot longer than previous ones. It comes from my heart. Today marks three months since my niece went home to Jesus. God gave me a Dove Promise to remind me of Julia and her life. ..

Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much

She was just one year old when I got married and moved away. The sum of our lives together became holidays, weekend visits and a smattering of photos and phone calls. I've never been very good at long distance relationships. My sister was great at always sending pictures, writing letters of their latest activities, making an effort to keep us in the loop of the antics and doings of my niece and nephew. But as I look back now, I wish I had done more.

Here's what I do know about our sweet Julia.

She loved kids--loved isn't even a strong enough word. There is evidence from the time she was old enough to carry a doll, she always had a baby (or ten) with her. As she grew up, it became real babies, and helping in the church nursery, and baby-sitting every chance she had. And on OUR holidays and weekends together, she loved on and entertained my kids non-stop. She loved horses and volleyball, reading and music, friends and family, babies and kids, and Jesus!
She Loved Much!!

She was lighthearted--smiling and laughing often. She enjoyed life and enjoyed jokes and while I wasn't there for most the time, I've heard that she always laughed at her daddy's jokes--even the one that weren't funny. Little kids are funny and she spent lots of time with little kids. I know that
She Laughed Often.

And then there are the things I learned about her this summer, after she went home to be with Jesus. She wanted to be a missionary. She wanted to be a nurse... She had even begun looking at colleges. She served often at church. She worked hard at school. She enjoyed friends, family, horseback riding. She had a testimony for Jesus at church, at school, and with friends who had moved away. She was loved and remembered well by all who knew her. And when she entered heaven's gate at the age of 16, Jesus welcomed her with "Well done, good and faithful servant."
She Lived Well.

      She had this phrase hanging on her bedroom wall. I looked at it many times during the week we were home for her funeral. I've heard it multiple times before and I will hear it many more times in the future. and now it makes me think of Julia. When we got home after our time grieving and remembering with family, the first Dove chocolate I opened had this message. It's been hanging on my fridge ever since.

Community Conversation: How are you doing on Living Well, Laughing Often, and Loving Much? I know I could do better!

Yes, I am working to share one promise every day. To see all my #31Days of Dove Promises head to this page and bookmark it, pin it, or just subscribe to my blog and we can enjoy a little bit of chocolate together every day this month.

and if you have lots of time to spare, check out all the #31Days topics at The Nester!

Five Minute Friday: Red

I haven't blogged much lately, I haven't written much lately. I should be working on a theology paper for my Contemporary Christian Writing class right now... But I had a moment and the word RED hit me like a ton of bricks, so I thought I would try writing... just to write without worrying about if it is just right.

Red:

Her hair has been flaming red since she was born 16 years ago. And she was born with a head full of hair. Red and flyaway and gorgeous.  With hair that red, you would be sure there was a temper to match, but not Julia. I'm not sure I ever heard her even raise her voice (to be honest, her voice was always a little soft, sometimes whiny... but I sure miss it now).

This week, this week she would have started her junior year of high school, instead she's done with the learning and the books and the lunch room and the sports. I imagine her red hair stands out pretty bold against a white gown in heaven.

I think about heaven more these days. I think about God's sustaining grace. I cry for my sister and her family and I see her picture and the tears stream down my face again. It's only been two months, but it seems like an eternity.

My five minutes have come and gone and I'm at a loss for words again. It was more poetic when I was thinking it in my head. But she was a redhead and she was our Julia and we miss her.

Julia, Music, and God

One month can go by so fast and yet so slow... It's been one month since my niece was transferred to Heaven.

Do you believe in coincidences? I don't...

We have a very eclectic mix of music in our iTunes account. My husband loves any and all kinds of music. Tonight (Wednesday) I tried to pull up KloveRadio on our appleTV, but it wouldn't work, so I went with our music library instead while I was making dinner...

And I heard this song...

Angels stood at attention
when she was called away
For she'd held the hand of Jesus every day.
Heaven's choir played her anthem
As they welcomed one so rare.
heaven knows she is 
the prettiest flower there.



And the dam burst and I just started crying... and then I had to find the title and the singer and YouTube it and listen to it over again while dinner burned. Well, actually dinner did NOT burn, but it was a whole lot harder to prepare through the tears.

and then I heard this song

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name




and I give thanks for the ministry of music. And for the variety that shows up on my playlist, that God can orchestrate for me.

And back to the coincidences, in the business of summer, I am sure there is more than one person in my life who didn't catch the news that my niece died. One of those dear friends lives in Oregon and caught a post on Facebook and messaged me asking for more details. I was glad to be able to share with her some of the story, some things about Julia, and her deep love for children... And my dear friend wrote me back...

If she loved kids then I think she was there yesterday when my friend lost her baby after carrying it to term. She knew he would not live and had the courage to carry him all the way anyways. I have a feeling he's in good hands with your niece now!

And I don't know what heaven is like or anything, and we aren't going to get into the theology of it here, but I do know that she's probably got a lot of babies to hold.

I miss her!

Hot, hot, hot!

I told myself (and you) that I was going to give myself grace this week... so here's to grace and the fact that I didn't blog yesterday. and here's hoping that I can get this short little post written and posted before bedtime.

If you are in my neck of the woods (or basically anywhere in the Eastern United States--and maybe Canada, too) then you are doing a little bit of sweating this week... or probably a lot!

My air conditioning units can hardly keep up with this heat. But I'm trying not to complain, because we are managing to keep the humidity out. I'm just not a fan of sitting and sweating. Also, I'm just not motivated to do anything.

Especially, I don't feel like cooking. Every time I use my kitchen I feel like the house temperature goes up five degrees.. and I'm not even using the oven. But I can only eat so much salad... and we are going through cheese like mad.

It's even too hot to think, which is why nothing is getting done and I'm falling behind on the whole blog every day thing for the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

We've been super lazy and the girls even had a pajama day today. It was nice, but it didn't stop me from letting "circumstances rob me of the joy of my salvation." I have been just a little bit on edge, and unfortunately my kids (and my husband) have suffered.

I read truth in God's Word and truth on Ann Voskamp's blog... and then I am in the heat of the moment and *kaboom* I fly off the handle.... just a little frustrating!

Just this morning in my hellomornings study, I was reviewing John 17 and 18...
So I wrote down a few things as a reminder for myself.

John 17:20 "Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word"  ... That's ME!! Jesus prayed for me!!
vs. 21 "That they all may be one" --When we live in unity, the world will believe that God sent Jesus into this world... so why don't we live in unity?!??!

John 18:20-21 "I spake openly to the world: I taught in the synagogue, and in the temple... Why askest thou me? ask them which heard me, what I have said unto them: behold, they know what I said."  Do I know what Jesus has said? Do I know His words? Do I live accordingly? so that others see truth in me?

More often than not, I'm like Peter --maybe not denying with my words, but with my chocies and actions.  "Art not thou also one of his disciples?"  If I follow Jesus and His Truth, my life should reflect that. The Fruit of the Spirit should be harvested in my thoughts, words, actions!

Can Others See Jesus in me?!?

A friend of Julia's sang this song at her funeral and I wonder if anyone (my kids especially) could say the same of me?

I saw Jesus in you,

I saw Jesus in you,

I could hear His voice in the words you said-

I saw Jesus in you,

In your eyes I saw His care,

I could see His love was there,

You were faithful,

And I saw Jesus in you,

I write this as a reminder for myself, but maybe you can learn something, too

Community conversation: How are you staying cool in this heat?  Do you have a truth in Scripture that you have a hard time remembering... in the moment?  Can others see Jesus in You?

Writing and Fears and Grieving

I wrote briefly (for 5 minutes) last week and now the words won't come. I don't know what to say. I don't know what not to say. I don't want to write about Julia, I don't want to NOT write about Julia.

I was so excited at  the beginning of the month when I started the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I was ready to write regularly again--I even had a mental plan and a handful of ideas--if only I had written them down.

And then my niece died unexpectedly ... and suddenly I didn't feel like writing. time was better spent with my family--my parents, my sisters, our families... remembering, crying, laughing, hugging, eating, remembering some more, crying some more, hugging some more.

But we couldn't stay there forever and so we--my husband, my kids and I, had to return home and pick up where we left off a week ago... but today I'm feeling a little numb--okay, a lot numb. I'm afraid to return to normal life. I'm afraid of my regular routine.

I'm afraid that one day I'm going to forget to think about her. And that a day will go by and I won't remember to pray for my sister and brother-in-law and nephew, to continually place them in God's protective care.

I'm afraid that I will forget to live each moment in full gratitude to God; that I will take my own kids for granted --or even worse, that I will get frustrated with them and irritated or begging for a break from them (which may or may not have already happened and brings a whole new layer of guilt and grief).

I'm numb and my head hurts and my heart aches and I don't want to feel anything and I want to feel everything and in my 36 years I've never had to really grieve before and so I don't even think I know how to grieve.

So today, I read my Bible, wasted time on facebook and twitter, watered my garden, managed to feed my kids twice (breakfast at 10:30, lunch at 2). I have washed two loads of laundry but folded nothing and I talked to my dad and a friend.  ... and I guess my day wasn't a total washout and I just have to do the next thing.

I am going to try to jump back into the UBC, but I'm giving myself grace if it doesn't happen. And I will write and I might mention Julia and I might not and I will take one day at a time.

Community Conversation: ... I just don't have any questions today, I just want to say thank you to you, my readers, for letting me share my life with you.

Five Minute Friday: Present

I signed up to participate in the Ultimate Blog Challenge at the beginning of the month, and did a great job of blogging every day for a week. But something unexpected happened on Sunday and my whole world changed... and I didn't blog this week. I wasn't even sure I would participate in Five Minute Friday until I saw the prompt.

Present

There are no words for the flood of emotions that went through my heart and head on Sunday. I just knew that I wasn't where I wanted to be. I wanted to be with my family... with my sister and her family, and with my parents, and with my other sisters. Because my niece was suddenly "present with The Lord."



On Sunday, while she was at church, serving Jesus, loving on little kids, helping out moms with little kids, being in one of her favorite places to be, God called my sweet niece Home to Heaven. Sixteen years young, and with a testimony that puts me to shame, God wrapped his loving arms around this wonderful young lady and said, "Welcome home, Child." and "Well done thou good and faithful servant."

And while I want her here and while my kids are missing their cousin and while humanly there is no explanation and it's hard to understand, I know that my God is working in the lives and hearts of those who knew Julia and those who have heard her story and he will continue to do so. And while we may not know the how or the why here on earth, we know the Who that is writing the story and He is present with us and carrying us through these days.