Behind the Scenes of a quiet blog

The blog has been quiet for two weeks. I didn't mean for that to happen, but I knew it was inevitable. #31days of Chocolate in October burned me out, as well as life in general. ... and I had other things on my to-do list and no motivation or discipline to prioritize.

Blogging hit the bottom of the list.

I did however, write the following for Five Minute Friday a few weeks ago... and it's still how I'm feeling. I wrote it out in ink on paper on that Friday and never got it posted on the blog. So I'm typing it now to remind myself of the TRUTH...

The truth is I almost wrote to say I was throwing in the towel and just quitting on blogging. It's not working for me right now. My writing, my dreaming, my thoughts are all a-jumble and I can't make sense of it all and I can't tell what is truth and what is lies.

I seek the truth in which direction I'm supposed to go, which dream I'm supposed to pursue, and then fear and doubt and busyness creep in and make me wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Some days it feels like I'm drowning and I can't catch my breath.

And then I hop in the van for kindergarten pick up and turn my radio on --it's a gift, this radio, because music is a gift and I heard this song... and these lyrics resonated with me...

"Whatever you do, just don't look back,
Somebody needs the light you have.
Whatever you do, just don't lose heart.
Keep on pushing back the dark."

Because the truth is, I've been pushing back on the dark for years now ---and it's that season when the dark comes fast and hard and long and my arms are tired of pushing and I'm not even sure my light is big enough to share with someone, I don't even know who needs it.

And on Monday, I'm all ready to choose joy and count the gifts and the devil comes in and says "no way, not on my watch" and he reminds me of all my failures and how I should be doing this and I should be doing that and when I strain to find the light and give it to others, he pushes back with more dark.

Maybe I'm supposed to stop blogging entirely.
Maybe I'm supposed to take a break for two weeks, 4 weeks, 2 months...
Maybe I'm supposed to leave this blog behind, forget about it and start a new work...

Truth is, I just want somebody to tell me what to do ... Can I be a kid again?


So behind the scenes of this quiet blog has been some canning (applesauce, pears, apple pie filling), card making (delightful Christmas card making), time with friends and family, and a whole lot of wasting time, too.

And still the counting of the gifts...

~robins in the backyard... in November
~making cards... and listing them in my shop
~sharing a gingerbread latte with Wes
~fresh sheets on the bed
~"grace like rain falls down on me"
~music, music, music
~fresh bread (from the bread machine)
~free pears (which I finally canned)
~the beauty of dried corn fields
~counting pennies with my baby girl for homework
~sipping hot tea
~bacon
~purging my closet space
~Rotiserrie turkey
~apple crisp for breakfast
~talking to my dad
~praying with a friend
~laundry, laundry, laundry
~pre-registering for another semester of higher education...
~quiet in the library
~glorious sunrise
~real maple syrup
~free earrings
~making more cards!!!

Community Conversation: What's on your to-do list today? and What are you thankful for?

Julia, Music, and God

One month can go by so fast and yet so slow... It's been one month since my niece was transferred to Heaven.

Do you believe in coincidences? I don't...

We have a very eclectic mix of music in our iTunes account. My husband loves any and all kinds of music. Tonight (Wednesday) I tried to pull up KloveRadio on our appleTV, but it wouldn't work, so I went with our music library instead while I was making dinner...

And I heard this song...

Angels stood at attention
when she was called away
For she'd held the hand of Jesus every day.
Heaven's choir played her anthem
As they welcomed one so rare.
heaven knows she is 
the prettiest flower there.



And the dam burst and I just started crying... and then I had to find the title and the singer and YouTube it and listen to it over again while dinner burned. Well, actually dinner did NOT burn, but it was a whole lot harder to prepare through the tears.

and then I heard this song

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name




and I give thanks for the ministry of music. And for the variety that shows up on my playlist, that God can orchestrate for me.

And back to the coincidences, in the business of summer, I am sure there is more than one person in my life who didn't catch the news that my niece died. One of those dear friends lives in Oregon and caught a post on Facebook and messaged me asking for more details. I was glad to be able to share with her some of the story, some things about Julia, and her deep love for children... And my dear friend wrote me back...

If she loved kids then I think she was there yesterday when my friend lost her baby after carrying it to term. She knew he would not live and had the courage to carry him all the way anyways. I have a feeling he's in good hands with your niece now!

And I don't know what heaven is like or anything, and we aren't going to get into the theology of it here, but I do know that she's probably got a lot of babies to hold.

I miss her!

When your Radio is Broken

So the Five Minute Friday prompt last week was SONG... The possibilities are endless with song, so I'm sharing another little story on song... Hope you don't mind.

Can I start by saying how much I love music? It really is wonderful, and can be such a balm to my soul. And when my kids start going crazy or life gets out of control, it is amazing to me what a flip of the stereo switch can do for us all.

{source}

Problem is, my van stereo system is broken, there is a loose wire somewhere (kinda like my head somedays, huh?) It's been hit and miss for a while. When the van started you would have lovely (or lively) music to soothe and distract from sibling rivalry, and then the van would hit a bump or something and suddenly it was quiet... for a few moments and then the kids would find something to argue about, and peace efforts were suspended.

I miss my stereo. Some kids music, some contemporary praise music, some Seeds Family Worship... even a little bit of Adventures in Odyssey goes a long way to getting us to our destination with siblings still loving each other and having mommy in her right mind. It also wards off the complaints of "I'm bored..." (that's a whole other problem... when did kids get so easily bored?)

Because of this, I am very likely to take my husband's car any chance I get these days. It's old and small and I feel like I'm driving on the floor after being up in my minivan, but it has music, so I'll take it!  If I only have one or two kids... or if I'm escaping by myself, I will fall into his rusting old Alero, ignore the clanks and clunks and crank that radio loud. Now, his tape deck (yes, tape deck) and CD player aren't an option anymore, but I can still get the radio.  When the kids are with me, it's usually KLove, or Family Life Network


 but (CONFESSION TIME), when I'm all by myself... it's the COUNTRY station!!!

Community Conversation: How do you entertain the kids in the car (every trip we take is at least 20 minutes)? and for the fun of it... Are you a country music fan? What song/artist do you love?

I'm sure there is a spiritual lesson to be found in this somewhere. When I figure it out, maybe I'll get another blog post out of it! :)