Behind the Scenes of a quiet blog

The blog has been quiet for two weeks. I didn't mean for that to happen, but I knew it was inevitable. #31days of Chocolate in October burned me out, as well as life in general. ... and I had other things on my to-do list and no motivation or discipline to prioritize.

Blogging hit the bottom of the list.

I did however, write the following for Five Minute Friday a few weeks ago... and it's still how I'm feeling. I wrote it out in ink on paper on that Friday and never got it posted on the blog. So I'm typing it now to remind myself of the TRUTH...

The truth is I almost wrote to say I was throwing in the towel and just quitting on blogging. It's not working for me right now. My writing, my dreaming, my thoughts are all a-jumble and I can't make sense of it all and I can't tell what is truth and what is lies.

I seek the truth in which direction I'm supposed to go, which dream I'm supposed to pursue, and then fear and doubt and busyness creep in and make me wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Some days it feels like I'm drowning and I can't catch my breath.

And then I hop in the van for kindergarten pick up and turn my radio on --it's a gift, this radio, because music is a gift and I heard this song... and these lyrics resonated with me...

"Whatever you do, just don't look back,
Somebody needs the light you have.
Whatever you do, just don't lose heart.
Keep on pushing back the dark."

Because the truth is, I've been pushing back on the dark for years now ---and it's that season when the dark comes fast and hard and long and my arms are tired of pushing and I'm not even sure my light is big enough to share with someone, I don't even know who needs it.

And on Monday, I'm all ready to choose joy and count the gifts and the devil comes in and says "no way, not on my watch" and he reminds me of all my failures and how I should be doing this and I should be doing that and when I strain to find the light and give it to others, he pushes back with more dark.

Maybe I'm supposed to stop blogging entirely.
Maybe I'm supposed to take a break for two weeks, 4 weeks, 2 months...
Maybe I'm supposed to leave this blog behind, forget about it and start a new work...

Truth is, I just want somebody to tell me what to do ... Can I be a kid again?


So behind the scenes of this quiet blog has been some canning (applesauce, pears, apple pie filling), card making (delightful Christmas card making), time with friends and family, and a whole lot of wasting time, too.

And still the counting of the gifts...

~robins in the backyard... in November
~making cards... and listing them in my shop
~sharing a gingerbread latte with Wes
~fresh sheets on the bed
~"grace like rain falls down on me"
~music, music, music
~fresh bread (from the bread machine)
~free pears (which I finally canned)
~the beauty of dried corn fields
~counting pennies with my baby girl for homework
~sipping hot tea
~bacon
~purging my closet space
~Rotiserrie turkey
~apple crisp for breakfast
~talking to my dad
~praying with a friend
~laundry, laundry, laundry
~pre-registering for another semester of higher education...
~quiet in the library
~glorious sunrise
~real maple syrup
~free earrings
~making more cards!!!

Community Conversation: What's on your to-do list today? and What are you thankful for?

Five Minute Friday: Bare

I didn't intend to stay up until midnight! I had grand plans of going to bed by 10pm... but I was working on these character sketches for my Creative Writing class... and then I popped on twitter and got swept up in the fellowship and encouragement that is the #FMFParty... and before I knew it, it was 11:30 so I figured I'd just stick it out and see what I could come up with at midnight for five minutes on the prompt... (even though my brain doesn't work well this late at night!)

Five Minute Friday: Bare

The trees are bare, the air is bare, my soul is bare... I'm not a huge fan of the late fall, early winter, dry winter.  I sink into darkness, I miss the sunshine. My heart is bare. (and my mind is a little bare, too)

I've never been a huge fan of snow (funny, because I grew up near Buffalo, NY). and last winter, I didn't complain at all that it barely snowed twice all season long.

But this year, I'm ready for a good snow storm... like 2 or more feet of snow. Now that the kids can go out and play in the snow for hours on end, I'm ready.  Enough of these wimpy 3-4 inches of snow that are just a nuisance and disappear before you can really enjoy them.  Give me a snow that lasts for 2 weeks.

That's it. Then I will be ready for spring, for green and flowers, and buds and birds, and freshness all around.

and some sunshine that lasts all day and warms and fills this bare soul of mine.


STOP


Are you bare? Will you share your 5 minutes on the prompt bare? ... or you can just leave me a one word sentence in the comments on bare... (I dare you)

My daily battle for joy

I wrote this one October evening in my garage after I arrived home... just finally getting it up here on the blog, while I count gifts, count blessings, give thanks, and fight for joy.

 

The seasons are changing, they've already changed and I can feel the blues settling in right next to the cold down to my bones, down to my soul. It's pressing me down and I dread the winter. And I know I need to give thanks, even in this.

I take my son to karate one evening. It's getting dark earlier and if there is one thing I can't stand, it's driving in the dark. I feel my neck tighten, my shoulders contract and my back spasms. My eyes keep blinking, somehow assuming that I might be able to see better if I try harder. Twice in the outskirts of my high beams, I see the reflection of the deer's eyes in the farmer's fields and I give thanks in safety on the country roads and find joy in God's protection.

I read Ann's post---why the battle for joy is really worth it (twice) and I sob, literally tears streaming down my face. While I don't remember consistent anger or yelling in my past, it has seeped into my present and I don't want to leave this legacy for my kids. I snap, I shout, I cry, I ask for forgiveness. I keep fighting for joy, fighting to give thanks.

Maybe that's why Thanksgiving is this time of year; when the season's change and we have less light and the depression takes root. A reminder to continually give thanks to THE LIGHT, see His gifts and fight to find the joy, then share the joy.

and so I keep counting and I start another gratitude/gladitude journal and I pick up the JoyDare sheets again and I count, count, count... just keep counting (I'm just gonna post October thanks here, I'll be back with November next week).

891. blog posts from Ann Voskamp that make me cry... and keep counting
892. wind chimes
893. pumpkin spice coffee
894. thistles... that remind me of my mom

895. sleeping in
896. reading to my kids
897. a deer in the back field... at just the right time (it could be a whole nother blog post)

898. "tumbleweeds" from the boys
899. hug, kiss and a smile from my 6YO in the morning (she's not a morning person)
900. a thunderstorm
901. a bluebird out my porch window

902. French toast made with Texas toast
903. special order for a handmade birthday card

904. sharing a coffee with Wes
905. date night (Shakespeare play @BBC)
906. FREE Fun Day for community at church
907. hayrides, jugglers
908. laundromats
909. ice packs for aching backs
910. the power of healing prayers
911. finishing a project
912. pumpkins

913. Bible reading
914. actually completing house chores
915. warm sunny fall day
916. "Bob the Tomato" in the BBC pond

917. ombre colored trees

918. fresh highlights and a haircut
919. rain
920. family pictures... in said rain (by the fantastical Daniel Lanton)

921. lasagna soup/ fresh bread
922. writing class
923. laughter
924. friends that tell it to me straight
925. kids and "grand prix" cars and races

926. leaves dancing across the road

ALLUME THANKS (927-955) (no photos here, I will get some up in my recap post... someday)
enjoying a road trip with Donna
meeting online friends IN REAL LIFE
hearing "Bob the Tomato"
FMF Party LIVE
writing on voice
hearing others sharing their words
enjoying Avodah coffee
comfy pajamas
extravagant meals
amazing speakers, sharing their hearts
"The message, no matter what we write about is Jesus Christ, crucified" (@kjtanner)
time spent in the prayer room at Allume
cupcakes
open mic night in the (in)courage lounge

encouragement from Debi, Zohary, Katherine and so many others
silly moments, crazy moments
small may be big enough (@ProBlogger)
Monty Python reference (and re-enactment) with Logan
"Your target customer may not be you!" (@GussySews)
meeting Ann Voskamp ---she's a great hugger!

Saying goodbye with prayers to real friends
Seeing Jesus with skin on
safety in travels
welcome home hugs from my kids
being home again
pizza takeout with friends
a hot shower
being in Wes' arms again
anticipating a day off for kids

Giving thanks in the midst of Hurricane Sandy (956-982)
sleeping in
scrambled eggs for the kids
not losing power all day
words
grace, every day grace
protection in the storm
family Monopoly game
trip to Starbucks, Target, Perkins (for coffee, light, a hot meal)
extra blankets on beds
showers and laundry at a friend's house
cheese quesadillas for lunch
sharing tears with my dad (via phone)
provision of housing and meals -post Sandy
a college dorm adventure for the kids

library books
"reverse" trick-or-treating (bag of candy for my kids)

my daughter eating chocolate cake without a fork... the reminder to "Lose the Fork" and feast on Jesus

movie theater popcorn
free meals at the college while we were without power
snuggling with my girls during a movie matinee
internet access
free cappuccino from the Underground Cafe
childcare allowing me an hour of quiet
comfy pajamas
smiling all day long
fellowship with neighbors in lounge
redoing Five Minute Friday - Roots

stopping there for now... something tells me that I've reached 1000 in this month of November and I will be sure to share them with you soon! :)

Finding Joy

It's Monday... It's been a few weeks since I have joined in with Multitude Monday. The last couple days have been rough for me emotionally. I hate when i get like this. Down in the dumps and I just can't seem to snap out of it.  I know that the best cure for this is counting gifts. I reached 1000+ and thought that for sure the light would come on and I would be miraculously joyful all the time. and when I wasn't, I got discouraged, and then I quit counting and then I just continued in the viscous cycle of "doom, despair, and agony on me..." and to be very truthful there isn't much doom and despair around me. I have been showered with blessings, and when they overwhelm me, I just need to count them again, instead of getting overwhelmed by them.

This year was supposed to be my year of JOY!  I feel like I haven't been doing a great job on this... I know I said it was something God and I were gonna work on together, but apparently I haven't been yielding to His work very well.  After all, Fall is just beginning and I am already feeling like it's dark at 5pm! Today the sun is even shining and it's WARM... warm enough to bring out the stink bugs... they are multiplying! I have been memorizing verses this year with Living Proof Siesta Scripture Memory Team, but it seems like most of my verses concentrated on the tongue, words, my mouth! So for the rest of the year, I am looking for some verses on JOY!!  If you have some to recommend in the comments, please share them with me!

Some verses on giving thanks as I get back into counting gifts!!

Psalm 107:1 O Give thanks unto the Lord for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever.

Psalm 68:19 Blessed be the Lord, who daily loadeth us with benefits, even the God of our salvation. Selah.

Psalm 103:1-5 Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases; Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies; who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagles.

and I keep on counting, random gifts from September...

#1129 - # 1173
the little things
my five senses
receiving scholarships for school choice

windmills


visiting family
baby smiles


hugs

drag racing

 uncles


making some Fall themed personalized handmade cards

Rain the entire five hour trip home, but Nobody got sick, we didn't run out of gas, there were NO potty accidents, I didn't fall asleep, we had fun singing kids bible songs, we made it home safe...

living on a mountain during lots of rain, and local floodings!
Pascal cupcakes

5YO birthday parties

remembering 9/11

soldiers, servicemen/women, firefighters, police...
freedom
little girls in ballet outfits

more chicken eggs from the backyard!
Starbucks and a full moon... on the same night! 

seeing an eagle in the air
the wings of a hawk
the wings of a butterfly
the wings of a hummingbird
fun new play house for the kids made by Nanny!

Sunday evening prayer time at my church
hearing an older woman pray for me... powerful!
remembering our proposal anniversary

an overnight getaway with my hubby
GREAT Greek food

castles

historic sites
homemade ice cream (nutella, chocolate PB, toasted almond)

the Buffalo Bills starting the season 3-0 (it's the little things)
clean folded laundry
the color of Autumn leaves
an unexpected visit from a friend!

I WILL keep counting, would you like to join in???





PS. don't forget to share some verses on joy with me!!

Five Minute Friday on Growing

So I'm in a blogging funk... I haven't recovered from my "2 week break"  but it is Friday (even if it is 10:30pm) so I thought I might give #FiveMinuteFriday a try...

START

So, The Gypsy Mama wants us to give her (and you) our best five minutes on "Growing"

Growing, so it seems like I'm not doing much growing lately.  I feel stuck, stagnant, no direction, no vision... not exactly fertile ground for "Growing" but still I want to grow.  I am pessimistic and tend to dwell on the negative and beat myself up when I screw up, but I do know that there has been some growth in the last few years.

Growing is something you think about in the Springtime... ya know when everything is growing new again. Right now it is the beginning of fall, leaves are changing colors (which I love) and the mountains around me are going to be bursting with color... but after that comes winter and I just don't like winter, cold, dark, snowy.

Growing ... something my kids are doing

Growing...

 STOP

not much of a re-entry into blogging, but I will keep trying!!  Be kind in the comments! :)  and go visit more great Five Minutes here...

Fighting Seasonal Affect Disorder with One Thousand Gifts

It's Monday, it's coooolllld, it's November, I saw snowflakes last night (not good news in my book), I am feeling crampy, my kids are being challenging,... but here I am being all negative when this post is supposed to be linked to Ann Voskamp's Multitude Monday.




So, it has been a few weeks since I added to my list of One Thousand Gifts, but I know I need to get back on track and it is Thanksgiving month after all...

102. that my home has heat on cold winter days
103. a washing machine (Monday is laundry day (one of many)
104. yummy cheesy potatoes for dinner
105. starting a Thanksgiving tree with my kids this evening
106. candles, scented candles
107. FLN.org and the listen on line option... Gentle Praise 
108.corn bags to heat in the microwave
109. driving down the mountain everyday to pick up my kids from school

110. Autumn in Pennsylvania (gorgeous leaves)

and to recap from some things over the last month...

111. a date with my hubby... watching,
112. Harris III and 321 Improv in Mayhem and Misdirection tour
113. painting my girls bedroom a nice soft yellow (with free paint)
114. a visit from my sister and her 2 kids

115. finding Libby's canned pumpkin on the shelves again... and stocking up!
116. getting a chance to lead my first ever cardmaking workshop... it was a blast!

117. selling some handmade notecards ... even if I can't seem to make a go of it in my Artfire shop
118. enjoying some great fellowship and food, and spiritual refreshment at our church's ladies retreat
119. Sundays
120. a Sunday with a baptism, new members added to the church, and celebrating the Lord's Table
121. Having a visit with my MOM!!!!
122. receiving a scholarship for my kids' Christian School education through Pennsylvania's EITC (education improvement tax credit) from Faith First Educational Assistance Corp.
123. making soup

124. grace, God's grace

125. making fall cutout cookies

126. carving pumpkins with the kids

127. bedtime... which is almost here!!

where do you go, what do you do when you get down in the doldrums???  Do you like fall???  ...WINTER???  How do you survive the dark at 6pm (and then 5 pm)???